It's Not Fair
by haleydavisbaker
Summary: My one-shot set after heart-warming-slash-heart-crushing end of OTH 8x18. Brulian


**8x18 one shot **

**You all wanted another chapter after the 8x11 oneshot i did, so i hope this is better than nothing! :)**

**I couldn't resist, since I don't think the coming episodes are gunna show some really necessary Brooke/Julian grieving for their almost-child. And of course i want to see that so i wrote about it. It was so easy and quick to write unlike how im having trouble getting inspired for my full story _Baker Life_ lately. It's not very long, but I like how it ends. **

**This is set after 8x18, a little spoilerish from what I've read, seen, heard, (some made up in my head) of what I think should happen in the coming episodes. So BEWARE of spoilers. **

**Enjoy! **

**;**

_**IT'S NOT FAIR. **_

The only way she feels alive now is when she is crying. Crying hard.

And thats exactly what she planned on doing for the foreseeable future. Otherwise she just felt numb and cold. She cried in Julian's arms. She would cry in the shower. She would cry when no one was home. She would cry when she passed by the half finished nursery they had planned to finish just for her.

Her.

_"It was a girl." She looked up at Julian and sucked in a breath. Then she heard Nathan say the same thing. _

It was a girl. And Nathan and Haley had a girl, too. But they got to keep Lydia. They got to name Lydia. They got to have her forever. It just wasn't fair.

Brooke never had that baby for a second. But she had already started to love her. That was the hardest part.

Brooke and Julian left the hospital that night in a fog. Julian didn't speak. Brooke cried silently.

Brooke walked straight to the bedroom and sat on the floor by her window. She held her knees. She heard Julian on the back porch. Then she heard a slam that made her jump. But she didn't move to see what it was.

She knew.

Julian was smashing the video camera. The new one he'd gotten from some studio to test out. The one he had shot footage of himself and Brooke walking into the hospital with at the beginning of the night. You know, back when they thought they would be parents by now. But that obviously wasn't the case.

He smashed that thing until it was unrecognizable as video equipment and it looked more like dust and lego parts. He thought filming would be great for when they looked back one day, when their little girl asked why she didn't look like Mommy or Daddy. But now. Now that idea sucked. He never wanted to remember this night.

Before he knew it, he was kneeling down, wiping his hands over the wood of the deck where the camera pieces lay. Now he was bleeding somehow, from one of the shattered pieces of the lense. But he didn't feel the pain. He picked up his hand and watched some blood drip off. It showed him that he was still alive and that this was real life. It was horrible, but it was real.

He thought he had been doing all this for Brooke. She was the one that desperately wanted to be a mother. Don't get me wrong, he wanted to have a baby with Brooke, but he wanted that _for her_ more than he wanted it for himself. He wanted to make her happy. But along the way, it ended up making him happy too. He saw fathers and daughters in public and wanted that future. But he never knew it would hurt so much if he didn't get it right away. This Chloe thing was crazy fast, Brooke had told him. He figured he could wait, but was happy Brooke didn't have to. But now. Now he realized just how much this baby had meant to him. He did want to be a dad right now, tonight. And the loss of that dream was hurting way more than he imagined.

He thought about what would happen if he just let this cut bleed. How long would it take to feel lightheaded? He knew Brooke wasn't coming out of their room anytime soon so she wouldn't find him. No one knew they were potentially getting the baby tonight, so who would check up on them? No one.

But then he thought back to Brooke. And he remembered how terrified he was when he thought Brooke had drowned. How much he fought to keep her alive.

He could never do that to her. She's been through enough.

"Julian?"

His head whipped around at the sound of an unfamiliar voice. But it wasn't so unfamiliar after all. It was Clay.

"What are you doing, J man? Is that blood?"

Julian turned back to his bloody hand and grabbed it with the other one.

"Uhh it's just a cut. I'm fine. But what are you doing here?"

"No one answered the front door so I came around back when I saw the back light on."

Julian stood. "No I mean why did you come here?"

"There's something you need to know."

Julian's eyebrow furrowed at his sort-of-friend.

;

Brooke had heard the doorbell, but refused to talk to anyone right now. Obviously Julian hadn't answered it either, since the person rang like four times. But then the ringing stopped. Then she heard Julian talking to someone. She hoped he wouldn't tell them what had happened tonight. She never wanted anyone to know. She wished she didn't know herself.

"WHAT?"

That was the only word she could make out before Julian stomped in the house, slamming the door. She heard him slamming doors and kitchen cabinets, and the other voice trying to get him to stop.

In the kitchen, Julian was looking for the gun that he knew Brooke had. But when they thought they were adopting, she had hidden it somewhere out of reach and he had no idea where that was.

He knew now. He knew exactly what Nathan and Clay knew. And with or without that gun, he was going to kill Kellerman.

"Julian, what are you doing?"

Julian ignored Clay as he gave up looking for the gun. Now he just had to find his keys so he could search the whole town till he found that scumbag.

Clay grabbed the taller man by the shoulders. "Julian! You need to calm down."

"How?"

"It's late. Your wife is here alseep in this house and she's safe. Jamie's safe. Brooke is alive. She didn't die that night because you saved her. You can't go out and do something crazy because then you could _actually_ lose her. You're upset I know, but you can't make a bad decision that could get you arrested or hurt. That doesn't help Brooke or Jamie either."

Julian took a breath. "I can't let him get away with this. It's not fair! He just gets to walk around knowing he did this and not caring at all?"

"He won't get away with this. I will take you to see him tomorrow. But you need to take the night to cool off."

Julian nodded in understanding. Clay was a goofball most of the time, but he was seriously correct in his statement at the moment.

Doing something regretable wouldn't help Brooke. Especially after a night like this.

;

Brooke heard the front door close and then she heard her husband's heavy steps walking up to their bedroom. He opened the door and stopped immediately when he saw the state Brooke was in.

"How much of that did you hear?"

"What?" Brooke looked up confused. She actually hadn't heard the subject of the conversation in the kitchen. Julian was glad when he realized she had no idea about Kellerman's responsibility in the hit and run during the storm.

"Nevermind." He knelt down beside her. "It was Clay, uh he asked me if we could hang out tomorrow. He's probably just nervous that he has no friends since Nathan will be busy with the- -"

Julian stopped short when he realized what a stupid excuse he had just made. Of course it would make Brooke think even more about the baby they lost.

"Their baby." Brooke said breathlessly.

"Yeah... I'm sorry, Brooke."

"It's true, really. They're going to be so busy with Lydia for awhile."

Julian nodded and looked back at the bedside table.

"Do you think you could try to get some sleep now? It's pretty late."

Brooke nodded and went to grab his hand to stand up when she noticed it was wrapped.

"Oh Julian what did you do?"

Julian shook his head. He knew that she heard him smashing the camera. The back deck wasn't far from their window.

"It's fine. Just a scratch. Clay helped me."

"Did you tell him?" _about Chloe _she meant.

"No," he said simply.

Brooke held onto Julian tight as they both stood and made it over to their bed. They didn't plan on changing, they would sleep in their clothes tonight. It just felt like too much trouble to change. Julian pulled back the sheets, pulling Brooke towards him as he sat down and scooted over on the bed. She laid down beside him and they faced each other. Neither said a word as Julian wrapped his long arms around her completely. She clung to his button up shirt. It wasn't long until Brooke's silent tears found their voice and she started sobbing into his chest. He couldn't put up a fight against his own tears either, tears for himself and for Brooke.

"It's not fair! It's just not fair Julian!"

"I know bab-" He hiccuped to stop himself from saying the word _baby_. "Honey I know. It's not. It's not fair at all. But we are going to have a family someday, Brooke. I told you we will and I love you and I won't ever go back on that promise. Never."

"I love you, too. And I know you won't but I was so ready for today to be that day."

Julian kissed the top of her head as he felt her settle down. She was on her way to a restless state of sleep.

"Me too, Brooke. Me too."

;

**Hope you liked it! **

**~Haley :)**


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